I can’t believe I’ve already achieved my most important New Year’s resolution – to be able to pee whenever I want!
That may seem kind of silly since all guys can generally take a leak whenever and wherever they want – like on a tree, on a dog, or in the shower, and no, ladies, don’t even pretend you don’t go to the bathroom in the shower. You know you do.
My difficulty stemmed from the fact that my toilet was on the fritz, literally leaking itself all over my bathroom floor every time I turned the water on. Initially, the flapper thingy would get stuck in the up position and I would have to use my back scratcher to reach in and knock it down. Of course, I had to remember to clean the back scratcher before scratching myself again, which can be annoyingly time consuming.
When you’ve got an itch, you want to scratch it right away. The same is true when nature calls, you want to take care of the urge right away.
My toilet problem escalated when I accidentally dropped the lid from the water reservoir onto the back corner of the toilet and took out a sizable chunk of porcelain.
Almost immediately, a stream of water the thickness of a piece of yarn starts streaming from between the water reservoir and the junction with the lower part of the toilet. Now, every time I used the toilet, I had to turn the water on and off.
No matter what, every time I had to use the toilet in the present sense for mixed deposits, I had to put a bucket under the back of the toilet. I have a problem going to the bathroom while under pressure and that bucket was like an hourglass with a limited amount of time allotted before it overflowed on the floor. Crap!
Even pushing on the walls did not always help.
It got so bad I started mapping out potty spots around town. I’d start the morning with a quick tinkle and a cup of coffee at Mickey Dee’s. Before heading home at night, I would use the bathroom at the Food Court in the mall or at Barnes & Noble trying to squeeze out every “drop”(?)
At home, I would debate with myself, “Do I really have to go to the bathroom right now or can I wait until the morning?” I can just imagine what my gynecologist would say, “Get out of those stirrups you idiot! Appointments are for women only.”
The reason I didn’t just go and get it fixed was I had spent nearly three thousand dollars repairing my truck, so finances were tight. Fortunately, for Christmas I got some money from friends and family, which I promptly invested in my personal relief system – otherwise known as a new toilet.
Oh my God! It’s bright white and all shiny with an extended bowl making hitting the target so much easier. (My mom used to throw Cheerios in the bowl for target practice.) This one flushes in an instant compared to the meandering whirlpool that sluggishly emptied the last toilet. And, the new toilet refills in mere moments, which is handy if you have a line at the door.
I am in love with my new toilet. In fact, I have found myself drinking way more water than I need just for the chance to visit.
I feel guilty using facilities outside my home, knowing my new love is at home just waiting for me to drop trou and have a seat. Reading has become a pleasure again as I deliver the morning constitutional while enjoying a chapter or two on my Kindle while sipping a cup of coffee.
Did you know a Kindle can float?
Anywho, I have already achieved my New Year’s resolution. I can only hope everything comes out good for you too.
(P.S. Please pardon all the potty humor.) 😉
photo credit: TheGiantVermin via photopin cc